Breathing (A Divergent fanfic) (spoilers)

My name is called. After sixteen years of hearing that voice, this is the only time I am relieved to hear it utter my name. Because it will be the last. My feet take their time leading me to the podium, where my father stands, extending a knife in my direction. I ignore all the people watching; my eyes remain on Marcus. Only I am able to tell how fake his grin is. He finally gets to see his son choose the faction in which he will be living for the rest of his life.

You'll make me proud, he says with his gaze.

Buried underneath the dark blue irises is also a threat. I better choose to stay in Abnegation. I better live here so my father can trail my actions, so his high position isn't jeopardized, so I don't spread the word of his true nature. I won't tell, of course. I'm above all that. Those nights spent in the closet, the bruises I've had to cover with long gray sleeves, those secrets remain between him and me.

But I refuse to make the decision he wants me to. I refuse to adhere to my aptitude test. This is the only time in my life where I will be able to make my own choice, and I am not willing to throw it away for the sake of my father's reputation.

The choice wasn't hard to make. Not Abnegation. Not Amity. I like Amity; I like the idea of it. But I don't possess that sort of compassion. Not Candor, though there is nothing wrong with honesty. Almost Erudite. But not quite.

I yank the knife from Marcus's hand and slide it against my palm. Inwardly I wanted him to flinch at the sight of my blood. Of course he doesn't. He just keeps grinning, that proud-father façade. I wish I could turn around and see his expression as I reach my hand out. As my blood hits the burning coals. In my head, the sizzling is the sound of applause and I know everything about this decision is right.

But then the figurative applause fades, and I'm aware of the hushed protests from the crowd. Tobias, Marcus's own son, has chosen Dauntless over Abnegation. What is wrong with his head? Did he accidentally miss the stones that symbolize his home faction? My eyes hit the people in front of me for the first time, but I don't register faces. For a while it seems as though time has stopped. I'm supposed to move. Marcus is supposed to speak the next name. But I take this time to look back at him, my hand still hovering over the flames.

From far away, I'll bet his face looks placid. Close up, I see the raging betrayal in his eyes. I try to shove the decision in his face, I really try. Instead I can't help feeling ashamed, even afraid. Even though I know he would never do anything to me in such a public area, that fear still remains. It will always remain.

Which is why I am now Dauntless. I will be away from my father. I will never have to face him again. Most importantly, I will not have to be afraid.

I can be brave.

---

"Holy shit," someone says next to me. A boy, a transfer from Candor. At first I'm shocked at his choice of words--nothing I would have ever heard in Abnegation--but I keep the surprise off my face. "Holy shit, we're going to have to jump."

I haven't been looking out of the train for various reasons. Now I do. Something swells in my throat as I catch the Candor boy's meaning. People are leaping off the train, landing on a certain rooftop to one of the buildings. Suspending themselves into the air, billions of miles above a pavement, gravity taunting them with its ability to pull them to their deaths. And still they jump.

I've always known the Dauntless do stupid things with heights, but I've never thought that far ahead. So focused on getting away from Marcus, I never considered that I would have to jump from a train. This high up. Flirting with the chance of my mangled, bleeding body sprawled on the cement below.

Dear God, what did I get myself into?

The rooftop approaches too quickly. For half a second I consider remaining on the train, getting off outside of all the factions, living factionless for the rest of my life. But what would Marcus think of that? I can just picture his face after hearing that his son ended up factionless before he could even start with Dauntless initiation.

You should have chosen Abnegation, son.

No. That won't happen. I'm not going to allow it.

I don't think about anything; just what has to be done. I clutch onto my Abnegation clothes, tightly shut my jaw, wait for the Candor boy to jump. Another transfer jumps next, a girl from Erudite. And then I throw myself out, focusing on the air straight ahead of me. Ignoring the height. Ignoring the wind. Ignoring the pain in my legs during my not-so-graceful landing.

My knees skid along the roof, but I'm surprised to find the most pain coming from my lungs, and I let out a gasping breath. How long have I been holding it? It doesn't matter; I'm breathing now.

I'm breathing now.

I stand to my feet; I feel a smile cross my face. A real smile. This was just the beginning of the whole Dauntless initiation, but I'm suddenly overwhelmed with confidence. I can learn to deal with my fears. I can do this. I can be Dauntless.

No, I am Dauntless.